Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
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EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon