Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
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Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me