Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
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Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.