Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
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Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
bias laundering edition
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work