@ingerlishman: Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
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@Brampersandon_: GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes! ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
@lecalabara: Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
@hashtagyolo11: BOSS: you're an hour late GUY WHO'S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven't heard?
@Sophie2078: *receiving flowers I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.