@ingerlishman: Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
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@bingowings14: The 16yo tells me he's been revising all day. His browser history suggests he's got his YouTube exam in the morning.
@sdhintz: 2 things lotion won't let you do when it's on your hands because it's evil: 1) escape the bathroom 2) open a beer
@MakesYouGiggle: Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job? Me: Because being broke and homeless didn't really call out to me.
@fatherofcomedy: They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.