Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
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I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.