Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
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I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
LOL!
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you