Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
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Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
best review i’ve ever seen
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.