Geez man, take it easy.
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I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?