“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
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I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!