Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
You Might Also Like
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol