They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
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I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Before crowbars crows drank alone
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.