Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
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One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Bill is short for Billiam
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie