@LOsepyan: Yes, your honor, but in my defense I thought he was stung by a jellyfish
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@dreadnaught69: *at a restaurant* Don't be awkward, don't be awkward Waitress: how's the food? Me: yes
@EliTerry: I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won't find them.
@iwearaonesie: "This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu" -me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
@WilliamRodgers: How to become a Saint 1: Become Catholic 2: Live an exemplary and pious life 3: Perform at least two miracles Or...Just Be Kanye's baby