[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
You Might Also Like
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Cake safety first. Always.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.