Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
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genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing