*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
You Might Also Like
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.