Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
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“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth