Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
You Might Also Like
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.