Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
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Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is