yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
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I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
#StillHurts
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit