@electrolemon: yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men's shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn't choose
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@aveuaskew: If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
@JohnLyonTweets: Her: You're an insensitive jerk. Me: Her: You only think about yourself. Me: Her: And your tweets aren't funny. Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
@longwall26: It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims' hands into turkeys this time of year.
@realHamOnWry: Apparently, the latest gadget used by suicide bombers around the world is a vest completely made of Galaxy Note 7s.