@electrolemon: yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men's shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn't choose
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@Owl_Meat: captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna 1st mate: dont you mean sonar captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
@TuffyNyC: My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
@neiltyson: Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock's hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
@Papa_Mex: I call McDonald's to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone