Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
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Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.