@TylerLinkin: Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
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@liv_thatsme: *1st day on prozac* Me: These are awesome! What am I supposed to take tomorrow? Doctor: That was a 30 day supply. Me: Whoops.
@weismanjake: Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters
@Free_the_DJ: When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.