@TylerLinkin: Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter. 3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
@MarlonBrandNO: [Date] Me: tell me about yourself Her: I'm really vegan Me: oh no Her: and I have a kid Me: oh no Her: his name is Kale Me: ohhh noo
@AnOrangeSNES: *Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind* Me: This is our song. *A dude walks by listening to it* Me: That's OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
@robfee: The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I'm dressed as half of a horse.