Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
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Breaking news:
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
put ‘er there pardner!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.