@juicymorsel: Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she "couldn't make it in to work." This is called managing upwards, people.
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@leifromloihi: [pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
@Darlainky: Dear Santa, Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
@murrman5: [ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected] camera guy: don't try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it