@juicymorsel: Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she "couldn't make it in to work." This is called managing upwards, people.
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@BavlyOlwy: Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
@Duke1173: As I get older and continue to meet new people... I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
@iwearaonesie: wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things me *walks out of the bathroom* wife: Did you wash your hands? me *goes back in the bathroom*
@fuzzlime: Using a cellphone in 90's: "he's prob a drug dealer" Using a payphone today: "he's prob a drug dealer"