Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
You Might Also Like
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.