“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
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My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.