Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
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count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Lol
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*