Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
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I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.