Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
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If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.