Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
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self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
necessity is the mother of invention
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Don’t talk down to me
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy