Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
You Might Also Like
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.