Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
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Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit