Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
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Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
classic mixup
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
There’s always that one guy
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600