Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.