Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
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Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
New favorite tiktok
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
pelicons
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.