Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
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Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
The Sun
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
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