Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
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HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon