There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
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[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet