Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
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You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.