My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
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On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?