For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
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When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Do not levitate over flowers