If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
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Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.