yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
You Might Also Like
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
My last name is Zilla.
When your parents check you’re ok.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
no!! no!!!!!!
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper