yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
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You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown