Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
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No regrets in 2018
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Spider-cat: No One Home
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.