*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
You Might Also Like
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo