Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
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Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
j o i m p
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.