Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
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Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
This is why I hate group projects
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Sunday
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.