Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
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Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.