Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
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wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
who will stop them
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I feel it
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?